Navigating Difficult Conversations: Four Stages to Communicate Effectively Under Pressure
Is there a conversation you should have but you are avoiding? One of the most challenging things in life is having difficult conversations - those situations where we know it’ll be contentious, maybe even ugly and risky. Avoidance is not always the best strategy. What can we do to produce higher quality outcomes and minimize the damage that comes from conflict with others? In today’s episode, well look at methods that increase our power by improving our ability to conduct ourselves in difficult conversations.
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Navigating Difficult Conversations: Four Stages to Communicate Effectively Under Pressure
We all face sometimes conversations we would rather not have. We know it will be uncomfortable. We know we risk being the target of anger, disappointment, sadness, regret, guilt, or blame, and by extension, potentially ugly language. We risk being attacked. We could be criticized and even insulted. We may risk our status with the other person, maybe even damaging the relationship.
It may seem easier to steer clear if the issue is less substantial, meaning it will pass in time with consequences that quickly fade away. That very well could be the best choice but for those situations where the issue will fester if not addressed, waiting can cause additional problems. Like it or not, our best and most productive course is the difficult conversation. Skill in handling such circumstances goes a long way to building our agency or our personal power.
In this episode, we will explore the question, “How should we conduct ourselves in difficult conversations to reach the best outcome?” Meaning we increase our chances of success and minimize the risk and unpleasantness along the way. Let’s first acknowledge this is more problematic for some people than others. One of the big five personality traits used by many psychologists is agreeableness, a measure of how conflict-averse we happen to be.
There’s a wide spectrum here. Some people do not hesitate to act in conflict or not. Others would almost rather die than face potential arguments or criticism. Regardless of our willingness to face difficult conversations, most of us most of the time could use a little help to increase our grace and effectiveness. If the tough conversation was simple and easy, we wouldn’t have the problem.
Like all important and complicated processes, it’s best to break it up into manageable pieces. In this case, we will look at four stages. That way, we can tackle our tough conversations in bite-sized chunks and make them a little bit less daunting. Stage one, we will call the reality check. It’s a good place to begin any important process. Here’s where we take the time and make the effort to check our assumptions, make sure that our perceptions are as reality-based as possible, and maintain perspective by gauging the issue in its context with all related priorities.
Often, completing this stage helps us release some of the pressure we may have been feeling but whether that happens for us, we become more powerful by being better oriented as our view of the situation develops and clarifies. The reality check requires the self-possession and discipline that characterize people with high emotional intelligence.
We become more powerful by being better oriented as our view of the situation develops and clarifies.
If we struggle with perceptions about how we feel and why or how other people involved feel and why and cannot hold our feelings in check while we continue to gather information, the reality check becomes a difficult task but the more we discipline ourselves to put in the required effort, the better we will get at it. It’s a skill. The key to mastery here is the checking of assumptions.
Assumptions are necessary. Why? It’s because we don’t have the time or processing power to re-litigate every aspect of life on an ongoing basis. We build our mental models and rely on them to make our way forward but the models are just models. Our picture of the situation of the other person or the conflict is not the situation, the person, or the conflict. It’s our picture of those elements. Even our perception of our feelings about these elements as a model, our understanding remains forever incomplete.
That’s why there’s so much power in checking our assumptions. These are what keep us blind to discoveries that can help us. What kind of assumptions are we talking about? It’s different in different circumstances. As a template, we can ask questions such as, “1) What do I believe about this situation versus what do I know to be true? 2) Is my evidence incontrovertible? If not, how can I make it more so? 3) It’s possible I have more than one motive. If I had to make a list of four, what would they be? 4) It’s possible the other person has more than one motive. If I had to make a list of four, what would they be?”
As we answer these questions, we may experience shifts. The shift could decrease or increase our emotional energy around the issue. In any case, we’re better off with accurate answers than we would be otherwise. They help us with the remaining three stages of handling difficult conversations. This brings us to stage two, the mutual win.
We can think of a difficult conversation as a form of negotiation. The person with whom we come into conflict has their side of the story. They did what they did for their reasons. Those reasons may not have been very sound. They may not even serve them well but they are their reasons. If pressed, they’re likely to defend their ground. Sometimes a full-frontal assault is the best strategy. In those cases, we marshal as much force as we can and push directly against them. When we do, we can expect to receive as much pushback as they can muster.
Most of the time, we’re better advised to adopt a more cooperative approach. We can leave space. We can try to see their side. We can look for win-win outcomes. This often means we will have to listen to them to learn, allow them to be heard, and gain their esteem as we earnestly allow them their voice. This could mean that we don’t sit down to have one tough conversation with the person. It may be a series of conversations in which the second stage, planning a mutual win, is simply one.
It’s important at this point to see their side without making any indications one way or another about whether we agree. We want to see what their preferred outcomes look like. This is easier when we don’t muddy the water with our agenda. When you’re in this stage, be mindful of that goal. Remember, there are two more stages to go to maximize outcomes. It’s better to keep them separate.
Leaving space looks a lot like active listening. If you’re a regular audience, you may be seeing a pattern here. In past episodes, we have discussed both emotional intelligence and active listening. Those skills will serve you quite well in any difficult conversation, which brings us to stage three, the conversation. This is where we gird ourselves and get on with it. It may remain scary. It may get heated but we’re far better off having done the work of the first two stages.
Difficult Conversations: Emotional intelligence and active listening are skills that will serve you quite well in any difficult conversation.
Much of the potential negative emotion now has a vent. When we make it obvious that we’re looking for a mutual win, showing the person the respect of listening and understanding their point of view, we reduce some of the surface areas around which they can become frustrated and angry. If those feelings remain intense, it’s likely that they are internally generated and are about their inner conflicts. We place ourselves in the position to be a valuable resource to them if they become willing to go there with us. This likelihood increases when we prove ourselves trustworthy by hearing them and looking for ways forward that productively serve all involved parties.
This brings us to our final stage, stage four, the action plan. It’s common in difficult conversations to state our case, lay it on the other person’s feet, complete with demands upon them, and beat a hasty retreat. Using that strategy, what do you suppose the chances of that person doing precisely what we wish are? Not very high. Outcomes will be much improved when we co-create the plan going forward.
We commit to actions we will take to help the identified mutually beneficial outcomes happen, and we get their commitment to do the same. This ability is the hallmark of great leaders. They don’t dump an agenda into others’ laps and roll away. They have skin in the game. They share the burden. They show the capacity to learn and grow from their interactions with others, especially the difficult ones.
Stage four creates a partnership. It may be something we don’t particularly desire, especially if the tensions between us and the person with whom we’re in conflict are chronic. Nevertheless, there is potential for gold here because the people with whom we differ see things we don’t. When we can build cooperative relationships with those very different from ourselves, we vastly increase our personal power because we expand our fields of view. We can influence not only those who see things the way we do but others too.
We vastly increase our personal power when we expand our fields of view.
The next time you can think of a conversation that is needed but you’ve been putting off, keep these four stages in mind, the reality check, the mutual win, the conversation, and the action plan. Complete each one as diligently and honestly as you can possibly manage. You will find the things you’ve been worrying about may turn into things you’re grateful for. You may find the things you are worrying about don’t match the reality of the situation. In any case, your load will be lighter as you face potential difficulty quicker and more effectively. A few such victories build confidence and equip us for the next challenge, and that’s much of what life is all about. Let’s go.