Beginnings And Endings
What should we start? What should we bring to an end? In today's episode, we discuss some of the ways we can think through such questions with an eye toward increasing our power.
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Beginnings And Endings
Is the beginning good? Is an ending bad? It all depends on what we're looking at, and what we're starting and finishing. Some beginnings mark the onset of a downward spiral. Some endings are the end of a beneficial path to progress. Neither of these do we generally consider to be good. Likewise, the opposites are true. The end of a negative spiral can be one of the best things that can ever happen to us.
When we decide to start something, we typically do it for a sufficiently compelling reason to be excited about it. For instance, it's usually a happy day when we're hired for a new job. It doesn't exactly stay that way. In 2 hours, 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months, or 2 years, the honeymoon comes to an end. Our enthusiasm is no longer what it was at the beginning.
If the disappointment is acute and chronic, we can't wait for its end. We can take a quick aside here. The topic will get its own episode to ask why this happens. It's the misalignment of expectations. A candidate portrays themselves in a way they believe will land them the job. The hiring manager portrays the role in a way that is attractive to qualified candidates. They each show the brochure versions of themselves either consciously or not. The degree to which that doesn't match the realities of the person and the position is the degree to which frustration sets in on both sides.
This can and should be avoided. It's one of the main things I do when I work with career seekers and organizations who want to elevate their culture, but far too often, it's not, and ends come. Those aren't good. They cost both sides sometimes dearly. Whether or not we see an ending in a negative light is often a function of the manner in which the ending transpires. Being fired from a job does not feel the same as leaving one for a more appealing opportunity. Being dumped from a relationship is a different experience from the person doing the dumping.
We tend to look more favorably at the beginnings and ends of our own design and less so at those imposed upon us. Some of those can't be avoided, but some can. Most can, and whether that's the case depends upon how reactive, proactive, or passive we are with our life decisions. Striking an optimal balance between patience and loyalty versus decisive opportunism is one of the trickier of life's conundrums.
Striking an optimal balance between patience and loyalty versus decisive opportunism is one of life's trickier conundrums.
In situations where we find ourselves a member of a dysfunctional team or family structure, is there greater wisdom in taking responsibility as an agent of change and doing what we can to elevate the culture, or would it be wiser to extricate ourselves to limit the negative influence and find an environment that will nourish us? The answer is in the details.
There's a universal principle that can guide us no matter the beginnings and endings we're considering. Can you guess what it might be? The word that best captured it is this, respect. We must respect the other person or people. We must respect ourselves. Hopefully, we do so for both parties with thoughtfulness and thoroughness in situations such as the one we considered. What does that look like?
We can think of it in terms of beginnings and endings. Some of them are up to us. Some of them are up to others. A part of respect and wisdom has to do with the space we make and the weight we give to the decisions involved in our beginnings and endings. For instance, in a personal or professional relationship, we don't feel heard, respected, listened to, or even cared about to an acceptable degree. Let's look at that degree. Is our expectation reasonable or not? From our perspective, the answer is yes, and to the other involved party, the answer is no.
How do we know who is correct? No matter the answer, what can we do about the situation? First, we need to check ourselves. The way we do that is by communicating. The first person we can expect to get useful feedback from is the person with whom we have conflict, misunderstanding, or mutual frustration. This conversation can be difficult, even scary, but respect demands it. We must be willing to give the person the respect of sharing the effects of what they're doing or not doing. We do this best when we don't make assumptions but honestly seek to understand their point of view.
We know we've accomplished that only when we can accurately repeat back the person's perspective to them, to their satisfaction. Often, completing this step alone shifts our feelings about the relationship. Sometimes, it's enough to reach a new mutual understanding, and the problem subsides. If not, the work remains.
When we reach an understanding with another person and the mutual view fails to resolve significant long-term irritation, we must make a decision. It will require change. That means we must change. We can stay in the role and change something about how we approach it. That's not exactly an ending. It's a beginning. We can decide that our energies are more prudently put to use in a different environment. That's an ending and a beginning. In any case, decisiveness is the better path.
Beginnings And Endings: When we reach an understanding with another person and the mutual view fails to resolve significant long-term irritation, we must make a decision. It will require change.
We have all experienced the negative effects of hanging around too long, whether it's a job, a relationship, or even less consequential circumstances like a party that gets stupid. We might do so out of compassion or courtesy. We might do so out of fear. We don't want to disappoint or hurt someone. In either case, when we have postponed the inevitable, it doesn't get better. It gets worse, and we botch that ending.
Let's look at how this can practically apply to our personal power. Take a mental inventory. When was the last time you felt frustration? What was it about? Is it acute, or is it mere annoyance? Is it chronic, or was it a passing thing? If it's serious and persistent, how long have you been feeling that frustration? What's its cause? What could you do that would relieve it? What's in your way? In other words, what's stopping you?
If you followed to this point and you're considering a frustration from which you don't feel empowered to relieve, I invite you to seek the help of someone else. If you're inclined, please feel welcome to reach out to me. It's not an imposition. I'm passionate about helping people gain more of their power. I'll share an example with you.
When I first began working with James, a branch manager for a national multibillion-dollar firm, he was an asterisk person. That's my term for the people I tend to be brought in to help. An asterisk person is too good at their job to let go, but there's something about their style or performance that causes others on the team frustration. In James's case, his knowledge was valuable. James is a passionate person. He cares deeply for the things he cares about. I love that about him.
The asterisk in James’s case was a direct result of this. He has a hot temper. When others drop the ball or are disappointed in some manner, James is not gentle. He let people have it with both barrels. As a result, morale was not what it could have been. People walked on eggshells. People wouldn't come to him with issues. People didn't hold him in the esteem he deserved.
James and I worked together on this. Though he remains as passionate as he was born to be, he has increased his emotional intelligence and ability to channel his feelings of frustration in a more productive way. James's role as branch manager came to an end, but not because he was fired. He was promoted, and he now has a position where his knowledge and experience elevate the performance, not of a single branch, but of branches across the nation. It’s a good ending and a good beginning.
Maybe the answer to your frustration is not only an ending of something. Maybe it's the beginning of something else. If you find yourself in this position, I have two more thoughts to share with you. First, if you're feeling frustrated, the hard but loving truth is this. It's mostly you. That means if you want to relieve it and not postpone it or transform it from one form of frustration to another, you have work to do.
Maybe the answer to your frustration is not only the end of something. Maybe it's the beginning of something else.
Secondly, the work we do in this area is reflective self-development. It's both an individual and team sport. It's individual because no one can do the work for us. It's a team because we can't see our own blind spots, and we need others to help us in this regard. This is what the Eye of Power is about. All I can say is to make a decision that you'll be better tomorrow than now. Make a plan and execute that plan. It doesn't have to be fancy. It needs to move forward. Every day is a day of beginnings and endings. We claim more of our power when they are of our choosing. Let's go.